TIMES OF OUR LIVES 1: MOST EMBARASSING VAL EVER!!!
It is few hours to Valentine.
I am super excited ehn, no be small and I do not want to go all mushy mushy about valentine this year not even one bit, well, So I said to myself, let me tell you a silly story about my valentine some years ago, when I was a teenager that had crushes and was happy 'burning' round life with no fear of relationships and all.
Enjoy!
(but please, kindly drop your comments and subscribe to this blog after reading)
Valentine day that year fell on a lovely Sunday.
That Sunday morning, I and my family were preparing for church service as usual. During breakfast, very unlike me, I ate to stupor and that's because I was really hungry.
Why?
Well I would just say I was being 'Stubborn', I deliberately decided not to eat on Saturday night because I was angry with everyone in my house; my pastor asked us to come with a gift on Sunday and my elder sister broke mine accidentally that day and it was impossible to get another. No one sincerely apologised or looked for another gift for me. I was vexed in my Spirit at them all.
Although I was still angry the next morning which was Val but the hunger was overwhelming. The calling of the delicious native palm oil beans with diced plantain and chunks of smoked catfish and custard with plenty condensed milk and sugar was more overwhelming.
Eating too much that day was what made me resolute never to eat too much ever again! As a matter of fact ehn, that incident brought a day that I can never ever forget. Seriously! It was my most embarrassing moment. Yes oh! Most embarrassing ever! {I pray I don’t have anything worse than this, cos I will just faint}, writing about it is shameful in itself.
So that Sunday, I got to my church on time and everything was going on fine. I was in the Spirit during the praise and worship until I felt a soft hand on my shoulder telling me to please adjust. I opened my eyes, lo and behold…guess who!!!
My crush!
(Shhhh…every girl always have/had at least one, even in the church).
Ifeanyi!!!
That was/his name. I address him as Mr. dandy in my diary. My body dey always do 'totori' inside, anytime I see him. He was handsome, he could dress better than Mr Nigeria, he was 6 feet tall, he had fine slight bowed legs and when he walked, he walked with swags. He was the only dark guy I ever liked. He was black ehn, he was almost like the bottom of the pot that was used on firewood for a long time. Ironically, he had really pink lips not bleached pink lips oh, original natural pink lips. Me, I just admire from afar. Lol, I was just sixteen then, I was overly excited that my crush was sitting beside me.
A few minutes later, the praise and worship session was over. The sermon was on. He sat beside me to my right. I was so over conscious of myself to the extent that my body started reacting to the extra plates of beans and custard I had eaten.
‘Oh please Lord, don’t let this be loud and smelly!’ I prayed silently in my head as I felt the gas coming out of my bum. I release the first bomb. Thankfully, It was silent. I felt the next one coming, OMO!!!this time I tightened my bum to the chair and you can only imagine how I squeezed my bum.
‘At last, I am free’ I said within myself after releasing the tenth bomb.
Then, there came the most embarrassing moment that still gets me laughing till date. I realized the eleventh bomb was coming as my pastor, Pastor Josiah was about rounding his sermon. I release it so freely as I was not expecting it to make a sound.
Damn!!!
I was wrong.
Oh nooooooooo
Pu…k…u….r..ukakakkapu
That was the sound that came out next. It was loud enough that my crush and those sitting same role heard it. It had a terrible odour that travelled wide, true definition of diffussion.
While everyone closed their noise, looking for what soakaway pit was smelling, my crush just exchanges eye contacts with me.
His eyes said, 'you know I know that you are the who farted'.
I was given the ‘Use the ladies’ expression. I quickly packed my belongings and left. I had no intention of coming back even when I was done using the toilet.
But the embarrassing moment was not over till I left the church.
I never knew my crush was crazy. He came to me in my parent's car while we were about leaving.
He said it out loud to everyone’s hearing.
‘Pu…k…u….r..ukakakkapu’ he made it sound like the fart itself. ‘happens once in a while even in public’ he laughed. ‘I liked that you composed yourself and I almost thought it was the latrine all the while’
I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even know what and how to reply him. So I kept mute.
‘Happy valentine’s day’ He smiled and gave me his gift.
‘Thank you but I can not collect it’ I gave it back to him
‘Why?’ He asked.
‘I did not bring any gift to exchange with anyone’. I said shamefully.
‘Oh no problem dear, sorry what is your name?’ he asked and gave me the gift back.
‘Sarah’ I said smiling ‘Thank you, I will bring your gift next Sunday’.
‘Don’t bother’ he smiled and ran off.
I felt myself in the third heavens.
As we drove to the less privileged home thereafter to show some love to them, my parents kept asking me who the guy was and the meaning of Pu…k…u….r..ukakakkapu and I embarrassing told them. They laughed till I started crying.
I had a really embarrassing day and also a beautiful one.
I saw the hunger of love and care in the eyes of the less privileged people as they saw people coming with gifts for them. By the time I and my family were leaving, I saw hope. I was happy to have radiated Christ's love in them. It was a Val to remember.
Thank you for reading.
Written by Munu Ogheneochuko and edited by Opeyemi James.
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